did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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