Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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