Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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