Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
