Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize