How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize