were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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