I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
