Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i can't believe i had my finger in that
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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