I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
