Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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