this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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