I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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