I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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