now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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