Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
