Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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