I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
