meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
