If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
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