hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Randomize
