Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
