You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
