Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
