My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
