I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
