Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Sorry about my life...
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
