since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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