The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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