I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
