I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
