Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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