i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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