if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
