I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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