im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
