i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
