i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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