I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
