It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
accomplished twins. life is a go
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
