We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
