those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
