there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize