I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
