Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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