woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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