as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
