tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
