Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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