he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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