Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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