can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
