you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
