everyone is single if you try hard enough
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
