it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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