ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
